October 18, 2013

• My MidEGGO....

  

  It has been hard adjusting to MidEGGO and the stages of him leaving.

  First the he is going to think about moving and that transitioned into he is going to move in 4 months and finally to the he moved phase. And now it is hard. It is hard because I rarely hear from him. I rarely get to have any contact with him. Right now it has been 2 weeks since I talked with him. I have emailed him 2 time a week. I have texted almost every other day and called 2 x's a week and he does't respond.
  The last time I talked with him he told me he hadn't been getting any emails or texts or messages I have left for him. This means his father has been deleting them or his step mother...either one.

  I am sad at how much I held back all these years with him because of the loss of him so often (with his going to his father's house). I am not cut out for being a part time mother. I am so grateful with my other boys I don't miss out on much with them and know they are going to be here when they should. I can plan anything I want around them and their schedules because we aren't going to miss anything. With MidE, I did all the school time with him and then his father got the weekends. Always making his dad "the fun parent" and me the teacher, taskmaster. Then when he was 11 it was so ingrained into our relationship that it was hard to adjust to him being gone a week every month. But this still left me with the weekends he was with me trying to make up for his absence.

  Now, I miss him so much. I miss seeing my kid that I carried in my belly. I miss him and it is hard to not have those moments when something silly, funny or amazing is going on that I find myself checking my laugh as if I shouldn't because he isn't here.

  I think it would be easier if I knew he was off at college and having fun but from the reports I get from the grapevine, he has little socialization and he spends his time either at school or at his father's church working for his father. No time out making friends.

   

  • 3:40 am
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