November 27, 2013

• Resolution to my negative feelings

  I wrote here last night/yesterday for my own self to see if I can get a different perspective on what transpired in my conversation and I realize that it was a lot of little things that went into why I was so bothered by it all.

  You see, as I was growing up I didn't have a set of friends for life, I moved too often. By the time I was 5 I had lived in 6 different houses, only 3 of them were near each so I would know any one person. I did remember one kids, a guy. My mother watched him after kindergarten. And that was for a year when I was four to five. Then we moved to a different country and I went to a different school than the kids that lived in my neighborhood. So I didn't really make friends for a year. I played with no one at school as they were all from the same area and their parents worked for the embassy. And the kids in my area well it was hard to be friends with them so I would play with them, sort of an extra for games that were uneven but they all went to school together and played after school together.

  When I was 10 I moved to where my parents live now. There I didn't have anyone that would talk to me during school hours and after the kids in the area would only talk with me if none of the other kids from school weren't around. This was for the first 3 years at that house. After the first year I got a news paper route and did that so I knew this older guy, PW, because of collecting for the money. I would go into his house while his dad chatted and looked for the change to pay me. So this guy watched me grow from 10 up. He was 15 the first time I met him.

  The best thing that happened to me was to go to a high school out of the area I lived in so I didn't have all those people that knew me through those first 3 years to try to be friends with. During this time I made a few good friends. Some of them moved away and others were friends with PW so we were in the similar crowd of people.

  I realize my reaction was because I was hoping to have conversations of "remember when x, y or z happened" or other such conversations. But sadly he said some things that hurt my feelings.

  It was a little of both him being male and  not knowing how to be a bit more tactful and believing that I truly knew he was flirting with me. And it is a little of him being an ass. He always was an ass. Not a full blown hole  but just the donkey sort of one.

  Today, after thinking about it for a while and mulling it over before it really bothered me too much, I confronted him and asked point blank as I am apt to doing, what he meant by it all.

  He didn't have any intentions of hurting my feelings but he was sure that I knew I was good looking waaaaaayyyyyy back then.

  The other reason it bothered me is, I was a stupid teen. And some times my actions were different that I thought they were. I was as a teen not aware of the damage I left in my wake. While I always tried to conduct myself so as not to be thought of as a flirt or tease I have since heard that some people thought I was.

  Back then I was always cracking jokes but never at someone else's expense. I would tease but never something I thought the person would be bothered by. I was (and I have found out that a few people saw me in the same way) comic relief. That is how I cope with crowds and more people than those I am close to. As I have not really ever been close to anyone, outside my family, that is most people.

  So it is resolved. And I am now able to take what the person that I knew to be an ass is still one I know how to take his comments and maybe be able to get a few remember whens talked about.

  And thanks to him I have a scar from him but that is another story.

  Thanks to you both for giving me a good outside opinion this is why I still blog here in Xanga.

  • 3:45 am
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