You are so smart, beautiful, caring, kind, generous, full of life, and so much more. You bring a smile to my face on most days when you say well anything you think of. But today what you said weighed on me.

"I wish I didn't care. I wish I didn't have so many emotions."

Oh sweet one, this should be rephrased. It isn't that you don't want to care it is you wish you felt differently.

I have spent a bit of my life in the just not caring and it really hurts worse than caring. It makes one feel hollow and lifeless. That is the worst way to be. It shows in the eyes. It shows in the actions.

I see photos of me from that time when I was an empty shell and I don't see me. I see nothing and at times the hopelessness in me.

It wasn't because of anything but not caring. Not caring eats away at the insides.

Now I know you listen to me. I know you can hear what I say because you have in the past. What I am about to say is really hard. It the hardest thing to act upon and stay learning. It is something I am still learning and I have known this a long time...years and years long time.

Ready. Remember I love you and I am here to help and just let you be when you need me. Remember I have always listened to what you say without judgement or comment if that is what you need. I am also here to lend a mature point of view. This is going to be hard.

Now carefully read this with all the love I indend it to have...

Caring is hard to do. It is not just a feeling it is an act. If what you care about is making you hurt. Choose to not focus on that but focus on something good in your life like your mom and dad and how much they love each other. That didn't just come and aways stay.

Focus on something you like...sports, animal care, helping out at a local shelter or well just anything you like. Take the time and focus on those things. When you aren't doing something like that then think about something amazing that happend while working or well just anything. If you are an artist draw, paint, color, or sculpt. If you are a musician play an instrument, write songs, sing your favorite songs or all the above. If you are a writer write a story, develope a good story something light and full of life. Just do something. When your thoughts start to dwell on that thing that hurts you to care about think of all the good things you do and can do and have done.

Now here is something that people forget. Negative emotions are just like a fever they say something is wrong. A fever tells you something is going on in your body that shouldn't be going on in your body; cold, flu, and many other things.

Emotions are like that it means that your perception of something is affecting you in a bad way. It is while you focus on the good you can also figure out why it is affecting you in a negative way. ...

If angry. Why the anger. Did the anger happen because you were hurt and so to protect yourself you became angry?

If sad/crying. Why the tears. Did what happen make you feel less than you should?

When I feel something that is negative I think to myself (try to) what is it that is causing this emotion. And how can I help my reaction.

If angry why and how can I change my anger to a good outcome. I don't want you to not feel these emotions emotions are good. So if I am angry I let it cause me to act. I see an injustiçthen I need to do something to right that injustice.
If I am sad why did it make me sad and cry? Why did it hurt me. If it hurt me then did it hurt because it rang true and I don't want to face it or did it hurt because someone thinks that way of me or did it hurt because _____________________________________? And from there I can deal with the feeling. But while I go through this I also do things than make me feel better so It doesn't hurt as much. I watch movies and hug my kids. I play video games. I go and do something kind for someone else and help myself feel better.

So sweet young one. It takes time and even at my age it is a struggle. But feeling those feelings makes the good feel even better. Feeling them for a long time means we are not working on healing from the injury or preceived injury and we are not taking charge of ourselves.

I will add illistrations from my own life if you need...

Love you with all my heart.

ME

Today I woke up at 4 am to drive E to work so I could have a car to get to the kids school for turning in thier books and school work. I rushed around trying to find all the books needing to be turned in, found them, got the kids to do the work I needed them to do so I could turn it in and when that was all done I rushed to the school only to find out I had my dates wrong. My day was supposed to be on Monday. So I had to reschedule for next monday. I don't know if I can get the car then but I will try.

The good thing is I was able to talk to the teacher to find out what happened when LilE was at star testing. (LilE said he got in trouble and put in a box for falling asleep when he was didn't have anything to do). I asked what happened she told me just enough for me to know that he didn't get in trouble but he was asked to go sit away from the other kids so that he wouldn't disturb them. She connemted that LilE was really smart and probably aced his tests. Then she went on to tell me that he spent time writing a story as well as illistrating the story for a few of the kids in the class and that is what disturbed the other kids so that is why she sent him over away from the other kids.

Once upon a time I used to love writing. I used to write with my dad. We would write poetry, silly and serious. He loved playing with words the sillies and the not so silly.

He still writes but me. where once the words used to just drip out of my pen now I find it hard to arrange the words in a coherent way. I find it hard to write what I want. I find it hard to wirte what is in my head. When I am inspired to write there isn't anything to be able to write with and then....I get the keyboard or pen and just a blanke.

I guess I don't have much to say...or less than I thought.

I want to write about the Little girl Lost. I want to write something that will impact my kids and help them understand things that they need to understans. Like...... Why people change. Or why life is about working and playing in equal parts. Or who I am because no one sees the real me.
I say things to the boys and I realize only too late that they didn't understand what I was saying.

My 20 year old especially... He just thinks he knows it all. I guess he is like his father in that right. I never thought I knew it all or anything really. I have always known useless facts but nothing really worth knowing. I guess over the years I have learned things that matter.

Just one thing I need to know...what is the air speed of and unladened swallow?