to tell you about how the mean lady is ruining our summer AGAIN. But I won't 

to complain about E. But I won't.

and tell you how much I am mad at MidE's father but I won't.

What I will l tell you...

BigE isn't doing anything to look for another job or go to school and as much as I encourage him to do something bigger and better for his life. Something that he would love. He tells me nothing and does nothing.

MidE has been gone for over 2 weeks. The agreement was that he was to call me at least 2 times a week. But sadly I have talked to him 1 time since he left. He has a phone connected to wifi and very little data  time to talk. So I don't get to talk. I miss him more than words can say.

LilE's attitude has drastically changed. I have told him that his feelings and anger is feelings but hs isn't allowed to act out on them, I have taken everything from him and he has had to earn everything back. If he acts out he looses everything again. This he isn't willing to do. So he keeps his attitude good. Everyone in the house, including LilE, are enjoying life more with his good moods.

WahE continues to try to do everything for everyone. And while it is a great desire it takes away from those that need to learn to do for themselves. EG. I asked LilE to make himself lunch, he was wanting rice and some veggies to go with, shaped different ways to look like the food in one of his favorite animes, so WahE went in and cooked the rice and steamed the veggies toward the end. Leaving LilE with nothing to do. Now LilE doesn't know how to do either thing. He doesn't know how to cook rice and steam the veggies. I know WahE knows how to because he is always cooking every chance he gets. So now I need to figure out how to get WahE to back off and in such a way he still can feel helpful. 

The other thing that WahE has been doing, he has been trying to talk to me like MidE did, he knows I miss him so he is trying to do everything so I don't miss him as much. And as sweet as that is I only miss MidE more.

As for me, I did that inner healing workshop, and it was really good. I made a few new friends but with all things life and lack of a car during normal hours, has left me with no way to get to any of the things that they plan to do together. I miss having adult time alone without my kids around. I have put LilE into a Wednesday night program called the mix. He hates it ONLY because he thinks he is punishing me. I don't know why he thinks this will punish me it only isolates himself. This group he is in it is like minded kids from grades 6 to senior in  high school. The purpose is to give the kids a safe place for them to get together to hang our, play games, eat snacks and be safe. The majority of the kids like the same things that LilE likes AND they do things like last night it was cosplay night. Dress up as your favorite video game character. He dressed up like Dark Link. In a month  it is dress as your fave Manga character. He is already planning this out. But because he is trying to hurt my feelings and punish me for whatever he blames me for (he blames me for everything) today, he won't talk to the other kids most of the time. But that kid holds court when in this group. He has created a few card games that are based on the Manga/anime/cartoon/video games he loves. He has had about 15 kids play the games and they ask him for more expanded games the next time. 

I am hoping he will get past the trying to hurt me bit and do something great with the game. I have even lined him up to talk with someone I know that works with a video game making company. He won't talk with the guy. He could start making some real bucks if he did. One of the kids at The Mix told him if he made a copy of the game for him to take home and play with his other friends he would buy LilE all the snacks he wants till the end of they year. That is quite a sum. Snacks cost $3 each week. The kid that asked for this is also a Jr. In high school.

In other news, I am having one of the best summers ever, it has rarely been too hot and now it is finally heating up, I have figured out how to keep myself a bit cooler. So now that it is up to 99+ deg. F. I am coping better than the last 15 years.  Hopefully the heat will not stay for too long.

How are you?

What have you done this summer?

Where are you blogging now?

Wake up comes at about 8am. Force myself to get out of bed. I always want to sleep more but don't. Get up and clean up. Go to wake up the kids that aren't awake and realize that MidEGGO Isn't here. I miss him. I just can't get used to my 17 yo being gone. I am so used to all my boys being here and sometimes BigEGGO being gone but with MidEGGO....I am totally unprepared. I did have 3months  to adjust to the idea but still.

Get up, get dressed, done now on to breakfast. With that down now it is time to get house in order. I am tackling the great task of gutting the little kids room. Ofloading out grown clothes, ridding of toys no longer played with and putting away those toys that in 15 years (or whenever I have grand kids) new kids can play with and find joy in.

This cleaning when it is completely done I am then going to draw up plans for a new bed and figuring out how much wood is needed and how each piece needs to be cut so I can purchase and cut and make said bed. 

On top of all of this LilEGGO is taking the absense of MidEGGO  poorly. He takes MidEGGO moving to live with his father as abandonment. He feels rejected. So is acting out.

Or I should say was, I put my foot down and am not letting him use his behavior or attitude to ruin anyone elses' fun. So he is grounded from all he loves, AND he is at my beckandcall till further notice. When he can spent a few days with a good attitude and treatment of others then he can earn back, little by little, the things he likes to do and he can start sharing responsibilites with the rest of the family.

Day 4 it is working. HE is ALLOWED to feel what he feels, anger, hatred and all the other negatives but he can't talk or use them to be mean to others. This includes out of the house as well.

He has earned back games with his big brother. He has earned back playing with legos and if someone is watching something he wants to watch he can stay in the room. But he doesn't get to choose the games or what to watch and he doesn't get games by himself.

In BigEGGO news, he left and came back a week later. I tried to get him to go and work for a temp agency but he won't .  He is just hoping that when the romodeling is done at his old place of work they will keep him on. He wants that but he needs to do something in the meantime.

As for WahEGGO, he is still being himself. He is expanding his cooking abilities and just being a decent sort of chap. He is trying to stand in for MIDEGGO it is quite cute, he is washing dishes more often, in the evening he sits next to me and tries to talk to me in the same manner that MIDEGGO did. It is quite funny. He is getting the mannerisms down but doesn't do the game talk or the math talk quite right.

At night it is the hardest for me. I miss my kid like crazy. I feel imcomplete without his good nights. I love his dry witt and humor. 

Well I am off . I am off to get the room a bit more cleaned. And hopefully today is the day I start on the drawings.

 

What was the last thing you put in your mouth? water

Have you ever kissed anyone named Matthew? Yes, on the cheek, my brother

Where was your profile picture taken? At the old downtown appt. swimming pool.

Can you play guitar hero? yes, but only on mid level and poorly

Name someone that made you laugh today? Sadly  my kids have been arguing all day so I haven't  found the smile in me yet.

How late did you stay up last night and why? as I am have a hard time  going to sleep I don't go to sleep till 3 am

If you could move somewhere else, would you? ABSOLUTELY in a second. In a heartbeat if I had the means  I would do so yesterweek, last month, a few years ago.

Ever been kissed under fireworks? Yes, most years after I turned 14 I have had someone to kiss till the last 11  years.

Which of your friends lives closest to you? The ones I am making now. T used to live about 10 miles away but she passed away. But my good friends all live over 4 hours away.

Do you believe ex's can be friends? Yes, but I'm not good at it. Too many hard feelings 

How do you feel about Dr Pepper? I like Dr Shasta it is not quite as sweet but if I don't have one I will take a Dr Pepper if I am in the mood..

When was the last time you cried really hard? 20 minutes ago. I miss my MidEGGO and I miss my lilE and WahE getting along and happy.

Where are you right now? At home, sitting on the broken couch.

What bed did you sleep in last night? I don't have a bed. I have a mattress that I use on the floor and fold up in the morning when I get up..

What was the last thing someone bought for you for dinner? My BigE bought me Sushi

Who took your profile picture? Me

Who was the last person you took a picture of? My boys playing at the park

Was yesterday better than today? No, just the same. It has been since wednesday evening since my kids have been happy.

Can you live a day without TV? Absolutely!

Are you mad about anything? Yes, I am mad at myself.

Are you upset about anything? Yes. pick a topic

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Yes, they are worth more than anything on this earth. I also trust myself in them.

Are you a bad influence? I have been and can be but when it comes to kids not as much

Night out or night in? depends on activity and how I am feeling at the moment. Since I hate my house I would always choose out.

What items could you not go without during the day? My Cell phone!!

Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I took my son there.

What does the last text message in your inbox say? Wish you were here at Tehachapi MT park to play phase 10 with all of us and camp.

How do you feel about your life right now? ugh

Do you hate anyone? no, I don't like a few people but hate no that emotion is a bit much

If we were to look in your Xanga inbox, what would we find? Several email addresses

Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? yes

Has anyone ever called you perfect before? no way 

What song is stuck in your head? tetris theme song thanks to LilE

Someone knocks on your window at 2am, who do you want it to be? Some friendly person telling me they are giving me a car and a house in a good are so that my boys and I can live peacefully and have a car to get around....oh and a job to be able to support the  two.

Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? I don't care. Right now I am tired of kids and need a break. Well I guess I would love to have a baby around that I can give back when I want and maybe a toddler but grandbaby.....not sure.

Name something you have to do tomorrow? Pick up some bug bombs to get rid of these pesky gnats that have been around my house and won't die.

Do you think too much or too little? Too much when the kids are in bed. I can't turn off my brain but during the day not as much but still too much

Who was your last missed call on your Mobile phone? My mother or father but I had just talked to them a few minutes before and they have a habit of pressing redial when they mean to call a different person

Is there something you always wear? rings, hair clip?

What were you doing 30 minutes ago? crying and watching a movie

Did you have an exciting last weekend? yes bige was telling me about comicon

Did you ever crawl through  a window?  yes, loads of times. Being the smallest in the family if keys got locked in the house it was me that climbed through the transom over the bathroom shower or tubs.

Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes. Blue was my favorite.

Are you wearing a necklace? Nope

Are you an emotional person? More now than I ever have been

What can always make you feel better? a great movie

Will this weekend be a good one? Sadly I don't think so, my youngest kids are bent on fighting 

What do you want right now? get in a car and drive till I am thousands of miles away

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing? Many times worn my boyfriend's clothes

Have you ever worked in a food place? Yes, fish market and cooked fish type place.

What's on your schedule for tomorrow? getting ready for sending bige on monday.

Does anyone know your Xanga password? no sometimes I forget even

 

Day 2 of having MidEGGO gone. IT is HARD. I miss him terribly, so do all the boys. LilE the most. He is taking it the hardest and it is keeping him from playing nice, being happier than he usually is and just a downright grump. Every time he finds himself being happy he chooses to be miserable. He is putting up a fuss about everything because, well I guess because he can.

WahEGGO misses his brother  the most in the morning. He gets up and usually that is when they hang out. And now he doesn't have his morning friend. 

It is going to be hard to not have him around. He is such a sweet tempered young man. He was getting used to being in one place and feeling like he had a home. He now is living where his sisters are always in his things and he doesn't have privacy till he comes home. He has told me that the few things he took from here have been put away till he comes back to our house. He isn't happy about that.

On Monday BigEGGO is leaving to go to well else where for a bit. He should be back in 2 or 3 weeks. I keep telling him too fly the coop. To go and have an adventure and enjoy life get a job somewhere and be himself. But he doesn't want to do that. He feels like he has to stay here for me. I wish he would get away from all that is unhealthy for him and that happens to be the toxic crap around here.

xanga is changing.

my MidEggo is leaving

my BigEggo is leaving for a while

my LilE is being a butt

and WahE is doing more away from my nest...

sigh

why do kids have to grow soooooo fast

I am tired of being turned down for jobs because I am in the wrong socioeconomic background and I dont look right for the job.

has gone by since my last time here

• kids having fun and plaing daily
• problems with LilE and me
• WahE wishing he had more friends and time to get to their hous§and play.
• LilE sadly starting to get edgy about his moving toTx
• BigE working loads and loads but no way up.
• BigE getting ready for ComiCon
• trying to get things done around here but no progress to show

I am tired daily. For some reason I haven't been sleeping well. The weather has been cool but at night it gets so humid in the house it is hard to sleep.

Other than that little  bit life is good, loads of fun has been had and the kids are growing amazingly.

I decieded to give  my kids the summer off of school till MidE has to go to his father's house. We have had a few really great days.

We have

• played with all of us on the games and had loads of fun.
• watched the tv series that we have been wanting to watch as a family and enjoyed every second of the time.
• played badmitten with 4 and rotated the other out.
•  rode bikes, scooters and skates as a family around the hood.
• tennis on the grass
• ate foods we like lots
• did a redditgifts.com thing. There are a few new ones that we want to sign up for but sadly I don't think we have the funds for that as we are saving to be able to pay for private school for the boys.

Now we are still wanting to do a few things

• paint a great painting with the kids. 
• Sidewalk chalk art 
• watch the rest of buffy the vampire slayer with the older boys.
• watch the whole LoTR and Hobbit part 1
• go out to the beach and have a beach bash.
• eat a joes family bucket.

I am sure I have a few more things that I want to do but don't have the car to do them with.

One thing I wish I could do is save up the money needed for a trip by next year. I am in sad need of leaving the house and having the kids with me as well as a great friend.

Two things I need to do is set up a womens group for the friends I made and when the class we were taking quit we all seem to be loosing touch, and in chatting with them I  realized that we all need to continue on with a new "class"  as a group.

So to that end I am going to start a new nook to read and talk about as a group.

What are you doing with your summer?

Anything fun?

Hard?

 

life is still filled with the ups and downs

with all the downs Ihave figured out how to do school next year. 

So as of now I think I am going to put MidE in Public school and WahE will be at the charter that I was going to put both of the kids in. I think till further notice I can't do a much for LilE, just be patient.

It is funny I have done everything I had wished my parents would have done for me when I was his age.Sadly he is reacting the same way I did when I was a horrid child. I still am a horrid child I just hide it well.  I think that Ineed to gind that thing that will make him happy. I need to find that thing that exerts his engergy from thinking all these things and makes him feel alive and worthwhile.

I have given the boys thier second summer off.

I am spending it watching star trek, star wars, indiana jones, every ep of Dr who I can find. We are eating nachos, taco salads, hot dogs and everything else we want to always eat even pizza. We are going to take walks when we can.and play as many video games as we can. I am going to just play and love  my boys and hope that when August 1st my dreaded day arrives I will be ready for my MidE to move with his father.

In LilE's last session with Dr.  C, Ichanged things up for me and thought that it would help me a bit with LilE. 

I met with Dr. C before LilE, I asked him in his proffessional oppinion if I needed to worry about him being bipolar or whatever the lastest term for it is, or OCD or something needing more attention.

This is what I was told. LilE responds to things as if he is 17 or an 18 yo. But sadly he doesn't have the life experience to go with what he is thinking and feeling. Then he had LilE come in and we talked. The good Dr. C asked a few questions about this and thats. He watched our interactions and was surprised at the ways I talked and handled things and then he was even more surprised at the responses that LilE had.

He talked with LilE a few minutes by himself and then talked with me.

He helped me a tad. 

BigE in his great way has been offered several jobs too bad he doesn't want to move away.

If my plans change for the kids schooling well I don't know.

A coool thing happened, LilE had a converstion with a teen kid at the book store, they conversed for over an hour. I sat to the side and acted Like I wasn't his mother so he could be "alone", then when I was doen  looking at my books I walked up and the teen said I needed to have lilE transfered over to XYZ school insted of the school I have him in. 

It was funny, this kid thought he was in High School. 

1. what is going to happen to all the comments on our Xanga entries when the change in servers happens?
2. is Xanga really going to be able to pull off this fundraiser?
3. will I/you follow and blog and pay for a blog?
4. will we still be able to have the close community that we have here in Xanga?
5. will it still meet that need that I have had filled with Xanga that no other blogging community has been able to give me?
6. why are we at this place where we are needing to leave Xanga as it is?

Here is my answers...

1. I don't know I wish someone could tell me. I don't even know if when one archives the blogs if they are there. If I loose that I will miss so many years of blogging. I will feel the loss but like when any friend leaves my life I always will feel the loss.
2. I sure hope so. Xanga has been my home since 2001 spring. I think it was Apr. That I started when Bianca Boussard (Sp?) emailed me and enticed me to blog in Xanga.
3. I have no problems paying for blogging the guys that run the place are providing a service and should be paid for their time and effort.
4. I hope so. I will miss it if it isn't. All of you, my friends here in Xanga are my contact to friendship in the outside world since I don't have a car and few people around that I know. I think that is the thing about the news of the change that has hit me the hardest.
5. I hope so. Read answer above.
6. I think it has to do with the cost of moving things and the guys that run it needing to make their ends meet but I am not sure. Or it may be they are just tired and needing some other helps. don't know we will see.

If any one out there that reads this knows the answers to these please let me know.

I love you all. Thanks for being my friends and we are almost all on facebook so I will see you there as well as here.